THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST ZERN
CHAPTER 1 The words of the scribe to the world beyond the I-4 corridor—The lament of the wolf pack—Aric and Lauren doth travel far unto the north; Silas rejoices much—The Stank boys go forth and hunteth rats; they testify of much destruction; their claims find much disputation—Zoe leads in the wilderness—The Zerns bring about much righteousness; and the good word of Christmas goes forth.
1 But a certain woman, even a scribe named Linda, with Sherwood her husband bought a new possession even a kitchen for their Saint Cloud abode, after a flood did follow the repair of their washer of dishes, which did gush forth to destroy the floor. To be followed by a fire that dideth begin in the disposal of garbage, and the fireman did come also offering to shut the power off.
2 And so the kitchen did get gutted straightway. And the new kitchen did commence to become mighty like unto a magazine image, and Linda did rejoice in her pot rack, which did hang with many pots.
3 And by the hands of the grandchildren were many signs and wonders wrought among the tribe: (and they were all with one accord while bringing forth much wonderment.) On Sunday last, one of the youngest of the tribe did stand up in her pew, at the church of our choice, and she did throw her head back and did howl forth the howl of a baby wolf cub, while her mother dideth speak much from the pulpit,
4 Saying Ow,Ow,Oowhoooooo. For of a truth Ever Jane (age 2) did continue to send up her howl, bringing forth much laughter from the body of believers.
5 This know also that the Texas Zerns, even Aric and Lauren and Silas did travel northward to a land of much snow, to live and work in the heart of Ohio, and Silas did delight in the falling of frozen water.
6 And the boys, both known as the Stahle boys and the Stank boys, after their father did wear a name tag with his name spelled falsely—Stank—these selfsame boys began to hunt the rats in the chicken coop at YaYa’s, reporting glowing red eyes and the sneakiest of sneaking rats, and there was much excitement but little success.
7 And Zoe and Emma went forth unto Young Women and Conner did become mighty in reading. Fulfilling that which he did prophesy when he sayeth, It is my destiny to read.
8 Likewise, I say unto you that the Texas Lorance’s doth swim much and flip about in gymnastics, both Reagan and Hero, while their brother and sister grow in wisdom and stature and sauciness.
9 I meditate upon these things and count myself blessed beyond ability to measure for it is ever a joy to know that thy children walk in righteous ways and are tender to their children and their spouses. Nevertheless our tribe did sit much about the bonfire and did play a game about werewolves and did howl much like wolves, perhaps it being the very way in which Ever Jane did learn her fine wolf cub interpretation, saying, Ow Ow Owhooooooo! And a Merry Christmas too.